Tank Blog Good

The Goblet of Movie

Harry Potter 4 the movie has some really terrible scenes. Did you know there are at least two camera shots that are from Mad Eye Moody’s mad eye. Two. The story is from Harry’s perspective first of all. Second of all they show Mad Eye looking at Harry which of course he is who else would he be looking at Director. What am I stupid and think he’s looking at Ron? No of course he’s looking at Harry. And Lastly, the camera has some dumb eye effect that makes it look like a spy camera. Oh and it makes camera zoom noises too. Dumb. It’s a magic eye you dick not some fancy eye implant that enhances visual analysis. I think the director spent too much time on the unforgivable curses and not enough on unforgivable camera shot choices. BOOSH. Mike Newell is his name and yes I am calling him out.

Parts of that story itself are a little goofy too though. Like when the Horntail breaks free and chases Harry around the school. Somebody would move and try to restrain the dragon and make Harry start over right? It’s not even for reasons of Harry’s safety. That dragon is crawling on towers knocking down shingles and junk. You know how expensive magic roofers are? Just as expensive as real roofers but adjusted to magic prices. Right? And he took out a lot of them in like Ravenclaw’s tower. You might think Dumbledore being the greatest wizard could do something about a simple roof but he don’t know shit about roofs. Last time he tried and it was leaky as shit so the roofers ended up tearing down a lot more than need be to fix it up. Just think of how much that cost them. 

It was also weird that Neville seemed to have a much bigger part in the movie. He was like a side joke character but I didn’t think anything he did was that funny. He was just a dude who liked plants and liked dancing but I think they were trying to say haha look at this nerd. So good for Neville but I could’ve done without so much of him if they had some quittich world cup stuff. I mean that’s all we really wanted right? On of the best parts of the movie was Nevilles gillyweed hand off to Harry though. It was super sketchy. They are like walking straight and looking around and then they do a quick hand transfer. If only Neville got some coin in his hand for it. So yeah smuggling drugs into a competition is film genius. One thing Mike did get right.

Book Club Twilight

So I don’t have anything better to talk about than twilight so I’ll just continue. So I settled down a bit after that first chapter. Maybe It’s actually getting readable, maybe I just got lazy, or maybe I’m turning into a vampire loving fan girl I don’t know. But, I do know that it’s still awful as you know. Now I’m going to comment on more the story rather than the specifics so spoilers if you care which you don’t because it’s twilight. I suppose if it’s a book before a movie there really shouldn’t be spoilers anyway because that story is out there by now so it’s gonna get ruined I’m sorry. Maybe Harry Potter could still be a spoiler but with that exception aside I will continue.

We are meant to think (and this is through chapter 5 or 6) that Edward is weird, super natural, and considers himself a danger to Bella even though for some reason he wants to get it in. But everybody wants to get it in at this school. Apparently fresh meat is all people care about. And I say that because she’s the new kid in a small town not because she’s the only virgin or something else crazy.

Anyway, there’s a part about the ladies choice dance and these 3 different guys all ask Bella to go with them. Now Bella has been nothing but rude to these people. In her head she expresses her constant distaste for them all. The one guy, Mike i think, just took a shine to her and talks her up every chance he gets. But one of Bella’s “friends” (I say that because she only expresses interest in Edward and I mean only) likes Mike and asks him to this dance but Mike’s like I’ve been talking up the new hottie I bet I can bag her, so he asks if she would go with him and she’s like fuck no I’m going out of town. end of story.

Next is chess club Eric. Who I think is my favorite character because I imagine him as a stereotypical nerd who is friendly but nobody likes him because he’s a nerd. Sad but he’s just not a real person and he wasn’t in the movie so I’ve taken a shine to him. Now nothing in the book has ever indicated that he’s had a shot with Bella even though him and Mike are constantly kind of fighting each other for Bella apparently even though she shows no interest in them. So Bella must reject another admirer.

Then out of nowhere Taylor (i think) this dude who was about to kill her with his truck, but then Edward is like I’m a vampire with super strength and speed so he stops the car. Anyway Taylor apologizes everyday to Bella and she’s sick of it which is dumb because she should be dead and he should be fucking sorry. But then he asks her to the dance for no reason. And for some reason this cock hound wants to go to Seattle’s library instead of getting some. But it works out for her because creepy vampire man offered to drive her to Seattle and of course she says yes just because he has a beautiful face. Forget the part about the stress he caused you and the dick he’s been, he’s pretty and what else matters? 

So that’s where I am in the book pretty shitty right? can’t wait until she describes the baseball scene. Apparently the vampires play superpower baseball, and in the movie it is really ridiculous and silly and I can only imagine it’s worse in the book but who knows maybe it will be way good? But it won’t be.

And I apologize because now Tank Blog Good is simply going to be Twilight the abridged version. My apologies to all who enjoyed no post in a couple weeks. I realize nothing is better but I also don’t care.

Twilight 5: Tank Blog Mad

Haven’t blogged in forever. Well let us blame it on hibernation. I was asleep for like a month and before that I was on an on and off snooze where I didn’t post anything cool. So in my hibernation haze of Starcraft II, The Old Republic, The Name of the Wind, Bored to Death, Music, Work, and a lot more Batman than I’m used to (That is mostly comics but a little bit of Arkham City)…I dunno where that sentence was going but that does include most of how I spent my time. Anyway it’s over…kinda. But I have started something anew. As a great christmas present my Sis bought me a book called Twilight as a laugh. But we both knew I was gonna read it. And last night I read Chap 1, so here are my thoughts. (Also I watched the Riff tracks so that may after my already mock view of it by making it worse or better). (riff tracks is Mystery Science Theater 3000 today about modern movies if you didn’t know)

So I’m reading and I start commenting in my head so I think may as well take notes I def don’t care about this story and would love someone to enjoy my notes if they ever happen to come upon it later. 

First of all she “exiles” herself to this shitty Washington State town called Forks that she hates. Doesn’t say why she exiled herself, unless I just didn’t bother to catch it, but as far as I’m concerned this silly lady is going someplace she hates because she’s a masochist. There is no other reason. Then on page two I happen upon just terrible writing which is what most of this post will be about. I will start a paragraph before the atrocity.

“”Bella,” my mom said to me-the last of a thousand times- before I got on the plane. “You don’t have to do this.”

My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes.”

…Do you see this? Did you read this. This is a book people like. May I also mentioned she has not described herself to us yet… UGH. I should really make a youtube reaction video of this to express the awfulness I feel and the sheer distaste for the throw away description. 

I mean come on bitch one sentence that is out of place and makes no sense. Most people get a little paragraph of description in their novels. You just threw out a side note that doesn’t fit with the paragraph and doesn’t tell us anything. I mean is her hair really short?! Is her mom bald? She might as well be in my head. I wouldn’t find out until like the end of the chapter that her hair is at least enough to cover her eyes. Holy shit.

(I am screaming in my head right now FYI so please put some emotion into my words to jazz it up a bit.)

I mean describe her then say she looks so much like me except I have longer hair and less laugh lines. Yeah that’s bad but it’s not garbage stuffed in garbage that was found in a garbage pile. It’s just plain garbage and I wouldn’t be opposed to picking it up to stop a kid from eating it. No, you had to feed the dirty garbage children. And on the second fucking page. Page number TWO!!! Who read past this point and was like I’m going to recommend this?! If I didn’t know it was a pile of shit waiting for me to tear it apart I wouldn’t read it. I would’ve read this sentence and been like really? REALLY!?!?!?!? 

“My mom looks like me, except with shorter hair and less laugh lines.”

Is her face a fucking wrinkle heaven. Do you have a ton of laugh lines. Is your face a catchers mitt, and hers an old catchers mitt? What the fuck are you writing?! And the sad thing is I could not write anything as popular as her. FUCK! 

Doesn’t she know the first sentence in a paragraph is called the topic sentence not some throw away half description of a character you didn’t take the time to imagine. You are a fucking novelist, create a world, not two characters around a bunch of shadows. This isn’t a play! anyway enough of this. But seriously page two or maybe even one depending on the size of the print of the copy you own and such, but man I hope somebody else noticed this one. 

Next: poor adverb choice. “The air filtered down greenly through the leaves.” 

…What?! What does greenly mean. A color can’t be a fucking adverb just cuz you put ly on the end. The whole paragraph is just shitty description. Throw a fucking metaphor or simile in there to describe the scene not a stupid color adverb of the air that doesn’t make fucking sense. I mean what the fuck am I supposed to picture. Green air moving down to earth? Is it smoky? Is there a fire. Should you have notified the forest ranger? Green fumes are often toxic, perhaps you should notify pollution control or whoever is in charge of that!

(Still screaming, don’t forget)

Like isn’t “the forest was so full of green it was though the air was green itself” better? I know that isn’t great but at least it makes fucking sense and uses actual words. You know what I better look up greenly on the internet to make sure I know what I’m talking about. hmm well it acknowledges it as a word although I’m not seeing a way to use it. Regardless don’t use greenly, I don’t like it and I think it doesn’t make sense.

Next: She gets uncomfortable that her dad never got over her mom

What divorced child is uncomforted by the fact their dad still loves their mom? Isn’t that the opposite how you should feel. I wouldn’t know but it just seems odd. Needless to say I won’t be identifying with this girl anytime soon.

Next: She notices the cars are old in thise town but her old town they were nice.

So “Bella” mentions how most of the cars in forks are old. But at her old home she lived in one of the lower-income neighborhoods. Apparently it was common to see a NEW Mercedes or Porsche. What do you define as lower-income Ms. Meyer? WHAT?! Is city life so full of ferrari’s and untouchable other cars that the poor people only have new Porsches? This makes no sense!

Next: labels

“He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.” 

Clearly she is uninterested in interacting with this human being at all. Fuck nerds right? No. Fuck you Bella. Fuck you.

(I whispered that one, hope you’re following my tone. Now it’s a calm hate that has settled to burning coals. Oh it’s much hotter than before but you wouldn’t know it by the sight of it.)

Next: The rest

The rest of the chapter was a blur because I wanted to just go to sleep so read extra fast. Plus I remembered the scene from the movie and didn’t feel like writing a lot more notes. All I can remember is Edward staring angrily at her in biology, and in the movie it’s quite funny how outrageous he looks. Anyway this has gone on long enough, hope you share my pain.

The Legend of the Ocarina of Time: The Zelda Movie

So I’m listening to an awesome version of gerudo valley which you can check out here. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhHLmtwnw9k

And at first I got a dark knight vibe except there ain’t no dark knight to save the world just link. What if they made a fucking epic zelda movie. But all dark where Ganon is such a menace then link comes along with some help of some great fairies and saves the day. I would watch the hell out of that movie. I feel like link deserves a movie if it can be done you know. But clearly he won’t be going to no 8 dungeons. But they could make it a trilogy. Ocarina of time as a four part movie. Mostly just link rolling, cutting grass, and of hanging out with hot zoras. And that dampe sequence could be super long and creepy. And the shadow temple. My god that could be so scary. And those adventures as a kid. Into the creepy deku tree. Then facing dodogos or however you spell em. AND Jabbu Jabbu! Talk about legit monsters and trials. Somebody should do it because for nostalgia alone many my generation would watch that movie. And by many I mean everyone.

All I’m saying is Link makes wearing a skirt awesome. Sir it may look more like a tennis dress and even though he’s wearing heavy leggings it’s still a skirt. Yeah I know it’s a tunic asshole and he’s not the first to wear it but you could see tons of fans dressed as link and not one of them would look as lame as someone trying to dress up as boromir. (Not that he’s lame but you just look like another asshole who wishes they were at the renaissance festival.) So think about it hollywood please.

And Ender’s Game really nobody has tried this? At least make a shitty one to say they tried it and all the book lovers can have something else to talk about. “Oh that was just garbage compared to the book let’s complain about it highlighting specific examples and analyzing what made the movie suck and the book so good.” And yeah that was sarcasm asshole so don’t think you found a friend who thinks like you. I dunno who I’ll yelling at there but if it was any I’m sorry to alienate and offend you but I’m kind of trying to draw link during this post so sorry if I’m distracted and yelling at nobody. 

Anyway listen to all those symphonies because they are totes boss, play more video games and say star wars quotes to strangers in place of normal conversation words.

Forest Frank 2: Whiskey Blood

Forest Frank says bears always attack from their right so if you look to your right and see a bear you’re in trouble. Also if you look to your left and a bear is facing the other direction you will also be in trouble. In fact more trouble because she’s already got the jump on you and of course you would be standing in between her and her cub. Then what happens? The government gives you a shitty forest ranger job to make up for the bear attack on a forest walk in a national park. Damn government.

Forest Frank says ducks are natures chickens although they don’t taste as good.

Forest Frank says for the last time Walter lemurs don’t live in North America. I know you saw one at the zoo but does this look like a fucking zoo to you? No. No this is a wasteland filled with empty paths, loud birds, and a sea of blissful ignorance in a pool of Irish Whiskey.

Forest Frank says the ruffed grouse makes its call with its wings. Just listen to that beat.

Forest Frank says if Barry Manilow comes to your house go out for lunch instead and make sure he buys. 

“Why should I have to buy?”

“Because you’re Barry Manilow.”

“Well maybe if you had a BLT sure but you’ve had three beers and a steak.”

“What you can’t afford this?”

“I mean I can but this is just robbery. You want me to pay full price for your drinks and steak with tax?”

“Yeah. I’m not being unreasonable. I’ve supported you Barry. You owe me.”

“How?”

“I’ve bought like all your stuff and I was in the middle of an era where people didn’t buy music but I liked you so much I had to.”

“What’s your favorite album?”

“What you don’t believe me?”

“Can’t I be skeptical? If you are as big a fan as you say it won’t matter. Plus wouldn’t you want to tell me personally what album you liked best.”

“Well there are just so many.”

“I knew it. You’re a liar and a dick and I’m not paying for this lunch.”

“Barry where are you going?! You can’t just run away! God damn Manilow won’t pay for my steak.”

Forest Frank says it wasn’t my fault I had to run out of the restaurant. I didn’t bring any cash because clearly Barry should have covered it. Oh course I looked like the bad guy but we all know children. Oh we all know. 

“What do we know Mr. Frank?”

“God damnit Susan haven’t you been listening?”

“It’s hard with the yelling.”

“Well here’s what you missed. Mr. Manilow left me like a fish right on the edge of the water. He could’ve kicked it in but no he walked on by and spit on the fish because he was a dick.”

“Are you a fish Mr. Frank? You don’t smell like one.”

“Susan you ugghh! just nevermind no more questions.”

Forest Frank says if you get pulled over for drunk driving make sure to tell them your wife is in labor at the hospital and that’s why you were going 25 miles over the speed limit. Most the time they’ll escort you to the hospital and you might be sober when they realize you were lying.

Forest Frank says porcupines do hurt trust me.

Forest Frank says deer don’t often attack people but when they do it feel like crashing your car into a tree.

“How do you know?”

“How do you think I know?!”

Magic Justice 3

You know what the world needs, more Harry Potter. But they need to mix up the genre a little bit while still milking that universe for all it’s worth. I’m talking a buddy cop movie starring Harry Potter the greatest detective of all time and his bumbling sidekick Ronald Weasley. It starts out with some broom chase and they bust some random dude but break a lot of stuff while they do it. Then the chief yells at them for causing too much damage and is worried more about numbers than helping those in need, but Harry doesn’t play by those rules. Then a major bad guy starts messing things up and we go through a bunch of characters to help us out. Hermione pops in and helps out with the case. At some point they find some weird trace of plant matter and Neville helps them out. Maybe Luna shows up and says some crazy rumor thing like always but it ends up actually leading to a clue. Oh and Draco is like a spy for them. He’s able to get in good with the underworld but is really a good guy. So through all this Harry always goes home and Ginny is mad that he spends too much time on the job. Saying he’s got kids. But Harry knows he’s going to save a lot of lives and the world needs him. The bad guy can be somebody new, or it could be like George or Fred whichever of them didn’t die. That could be a real twist. Turns out living with one ear is really really rough and the only way to make it better is to become a terrorist. So just an idea hollywood and J.K. Rowling think about it. 

Game of the Year

The year is soon coming to an end so I may as well blog about it. haven’t accomplished that much or really done anything and lately I haven’t even been blogging. so if you missed this follow me on twitter @TanklinAxell because lately I’ve actually started using it. Otherwise shit I’m sorry I got shit going on like video games. Which is what I’m going to sum this year up with.

Top ten games I been playing last year ranked by fun, play time, or other reasons that I just feel like.

10) Mass Effect 2- I only played this once for like 2 hours but I had a pretty good time doing so and I figure I could do that in the future someday. 

9) Fable III- I used to play Fable III before I went to sleep for awhile at the beginning of last year. It was a good game that wasn’t too hard to play, so I could casually play it while I fell asleep. So if you need a game to fall asleep too I think that game is solid.

8) Gears of War 3- Yeah this game is pretty beast. At least with people. I haven’t played it by myself too much after I beat the campaign. But sometimes killing a hoard of grubs is really the only option so this game is clearly a beast that needs to be played.

7) Super Smash Bros Brawl- I played a handful of this game this year and played it a little last night and it was quite fun. If you like trash talking your friends and fighting each other then what else are you doing play this fucking game or another smash bros. Just play with people your level. Sure maybe you’re a girl who hasn’t played this game or many video games before. Fuck it. Get your girlfriends together who also haven’t done so and play each other and trust me the trash talk capabilities alone make up for the fact that you spent all day playing brawl.

6) Fight Night Round 3- I rule at this game. Sure maybe I’ve played it more than all of my friends but fuck it I’m good at it so yay for me lets play more.

5) SWTOR- That stands for Star Wars the Old Republic if you’re dumb. I haven’t played this this much because it just came out but I know i’m gonna so I’m gonna just put this up here. If you wanna waste your life on this too feel free to message me and we can tear shit up on Korriban or Alderan or Tatooine. Really wherever the force takes us.

4) Halo: REACH- The awesome series you tube video says it all but if you are unfamiliar then just play some halo with your friends and join this generation you crazy person.

3) Mortal Kombat- I don’t remember the subtitle for the new one if it even has one but I played a lot of this game and for good reason. It’s a Mortal Kombat that is good again and actually had a story. I mean it wasn’t great but it was cool the way they did it.

2) Starcraft 2- Yeah I played Starcraft 2 a lot. I also watched it a lot. Those pros are really good and it is totally like a sport. I might say even better than most sports because it is so much faster and shit dies which is totally metal. And that’s what the kids are into these days right? Metal shit? Well whatever they like now they should start liking Starcraft 2 instead because it is too awesome. I kind of want to give this the game of the year but I can’t because the next game made me obsessed.

1) Borderlands- Holy shit I love this game. Soooooo much time I put into this but there are little games better. Just the fast pace play style. The crazy amount of guns. Oh and wait a leveling up system too. RIGHT! Man this game was too fun I recommend plus I like the way it looks. Just great.

I’m also going to tag this post with kittens just in case that gets me more hits because it probably will. People love kittens.

Superhero Chores

Where are superheroes doing their laundry because that shit has got to be dry clean only. And I dunno what fancy equipment dry cleaners use but like superman can’t afford that. Batman can buy whatever but what about the average super hero who just works as a reporter. So superman has got to have some issues with clean clothes. 

“Just this red blanket…oh wait is this a cape?”

“*gasp* you shrunk this. My mother wrapped me in this when I was a child.”

“no we don’t shrink things. That must’ve been a small blanket you brought in.”

“does this look like a big enough cape for me to wear?”

“A Cape? Hey are you superman?”

“…fuck.”

Superman would have to kill that dude. And would he be above it. Dunno why superman has a moral conscious to protect this alien planet, but I think he wouldn’t mind killing folks to keep himself safe. But I’m sure thousands of people could easily disagree with basic superman knowledge. 

But what about the chores the villains have to do. Like Killer Croc is a fucking monster, is he buying food at the grocery store or is he just eating rats in the sewer? And what’s Killer Croc’s secret identity Steve at Fed Ex. Then again not sure if Killer Croc has any loved ones to protect but the villains gotta get money somehow. Dunno why every low level gangster in Gotham takes orders from the weirdest mofos you know but I suppose they always get a cut. Makes no sense if I was a criminal why would I join a posse headed by a crazy man. I guess they put up a fight against batman so that’s promising as opposed to just getting stomped alone.

Why doesn’t everybody just sell weed. I’d be like fuck this batman shit he ain’t gonna bust so low leveled pot dealer. Little did he know that when he hears a knock on his door thinking it to be a customer it is batman. Dude just says, “really Batman the Joker and people are messing with bombs and stuff and you gonna bust me for possession.”

“it’s illegal.”

“So is being a vigilante just give me a break bro.”

“Damnit Dennis you could do so much more with your life.”

“You don’t even know me. And how the fuck do you know my name? You spying on me, do I need a batman restraining order?”

“Fuck you Dennis, I’m trying to help.”

“I hate you Batman. *tears*”

I hope that’s not a real comic because that would just be silly. Who cares about Batman trying to turn some kids life around I just want to see him bang cat woman. I mean bang the Joker. I meant fight the Joker. Well whatever both of those comics would sell better anyway especially the Joker one so I suppose someone should think about it?

Captain’s Tight Log

I love how captains are always saying they run pretty tight ships. I want to meet the loose ship captains. Granted most of them probably run gay cruise lines but there are probably straight ones too. Unless tight means a straight ship and loose means a gay one. Then all those captains are dumb. 

“I run a pretty tight ship”

“Great your not gay whoop dee do now are my valuables going to be safe or not? Because if I get robbed it’s your ass buddy and I’m gonna loosen the hell out of that thing.”

“Well I think it could go both ways like the security is tight along with my asshole.”

But I think the convos with the loose captains would be much more interesting.

“So is my stuff going to be safe here?”

“The ship is called the loosey goosey…I’m going to say no? We don’t really have security, the staff isn’t really tied down to work at any point in time. It’s more just a boat that floats on this dock that I call mine.”

“Oh…well are you at least interested in sea cucumber fishing?”

“If your implying gay sex then of course. I mean, this is a loose ship.”

I wonder how long it takes to be stuck at sea with a bunch of dudes before you give up trying to find time to masterbate and just do it when you feel like it. 

“John what are you doing?!”

“Listen Abe, it’s been a month. We have no computers. I can’t look at porno mags anymore I live in 2011. Why are we even on a boat can’t robots do this or people just fish from planes? A naked woman cupping her breasts in a photo is not enough anymore. And whenever I’m in enough of a mood where I can use these lame photos someone is always around. So just deal with it bro I don’t care anymore.”

“John can’t you at least use the bathroom?”

“…there’s a bathroom?”