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Office Party

Should work be better on your birthday? Linda certainly didn’t think so because she decided to torture me more than usual with gardening stories. “Meh meh meh, my last birthday I got a rose bush, and some daisies, and some I don’t give a fuck lady it’s my birthday and I’m too drunk to listen to this.” 

Glad I don’t have to actually do any work today because Clarence is gone, wanted to go fishing or some bullshit, bastard denied my day off request because he wanted someone he could trust on the floor while he’s gone. Too bad for that asshole because I’m about to throw the craziest office party this place has ever seen. I just have to get Alice to play along.

“Hey Alice so I was wondering if-“

“No Tank. First of all you are drunk, it’s not even noon, and you’re lucky you are at work because you got your day off denied on your birthday, otherwise I’d kick you right out on the street.”

“C’mon Alice, just one little party.”

“Tank, it’s a standard work day, we can’t just drop all business to have a party for you.”

“Well it’s too late because I spiked the water cooler and soon enough everyone will be partying.”

“You what?!”

“I’m just playin’ Alice, but I’m going home, toodles.”

Cleaning Day

Turns out cleaning can be fun. Obviously not the actual act of cleaning cuz that’s lame, but mild exercise while you rock out ain’t that bad, especially if Sally is around to pester. Today at the office it was spring cleaning day. I pointed out to Clarence that cleaning our desks out won’t make Olga more attractive but his fist disagrees. Clarence’s with Olga may be the most attractive woman I have ever seen, but I convinced the office Clarence won’t ever hear it from us. Oh shit Derrick’s coming over.

“Derrick how good to see you,” I say as plastic as possible.

“Don’t play games with me Tank I saw you in my desk.”

“What desk? I hardly go through my own desk and you think I would go through yours? Derrick, I’m ashamed.”

“Damnit Tank give me back my ruler.”

Stupid Derrick knowing I took his ruler. It’s not like you can just walk out on the street and get an original spongebob ruler they gave away at its premiere nick awards. Sure Derrick says I can buy it off him for ten bucks but it’s a stupid ruler. There is never a reason to spend more than five dollars on a ruler. I mean, sure, the ruler could also have a level in it, and a watch, maybe some sort of scissors attached for precise cuts but that ain’t just a ruler anymore is it? I’m talkin’ bout’ a simple one foot ruler with inches and possibly millimeters. That sure as shit ain’t worth five dollars, and he wants ten. Palease. The last time I-

“Tank where is my ruler?”

“I’m sorry what?”

“My ruler that you stole from me where is it?”

“Why would I take your ruler?”

“Because in my drawer was a sticky note where my ruler was that read, ‘hey vagina nose, I stole what you don’t deserve you obese, overweight, fat, large, rotund, giant, freak looking, garbage eating, eggrolling, big, grande, huge, grand canyon sized, boob licking (talking about your own boobs cuz you can lick ‘em yourself and you do), large penis having, whale sized, caramel corn chewing, lunchbox, cake, stew making, chubby, chubs, chuberino, poop faced man, Sincerely you know it was me Tank I can’t believe you read all that.’”

“What does that have to do with me?”

“I don’t know and I don’t appreciate the theft of my things or this note. I’m only ten pounds heavier than you dude.”

“Pff yeah and an inch shorter. Anyway I gave it to Sally.”

“Why?”

“Because I like her damnit, and I’m gonna shower her with gifts a plenty until she realizes we got a Jim and Pam thing going on and leaves that fancy pants husband of hers for some local flavor.”

“It was a Spongebob ruler.”

“I know, you don’t it was hard to give away, but I had to damnit for her. She’s probably wet just thinking about how much I sacrificed for her.”

“Hey Sally!”, The dumbass Derrick yells across the cubicle room. “You got my spongebob ruler?”

“It might be in my trash with all the other shit Tank dumped on me,” The Angel Sally replies.

Derrick looks at me as if I should know better, but what I should know better I’m not sure of because I’m too busy looking for another great gift to make Sally’s love for me go unchecked. 

“Tank are you alright man?”

“About as alright as the American Economy.”

Holla, politics, yes this whole monologue has been one long political joke, pretty great huh? Yeah I’m clever.

A Day At The Office

So I joke to Sally, “I think Derrick has a little thing for you.” However, Sally doesn’t like jokes, especially when they’re about her husband, so she gets out of the car and slaps me in the face. I don’t know why she got all the way out of the car when I’m in the passengers seat but I think she wanted to make a point and she did. So Sally gets back in the car and continues towards the office. Mark is in the back playing his PS Vita with Terry and Rose who are both asleep. When we arrive at the office I say, “It’s another miracle, we survived Sally’s driving all the way to work again.” Sally surprisingly doesn’t slap me again, but i should’ve been suspicious because she knees me in the groin when we reach the building.

Work’s boring today, Clarence our manager is riding us hard because he wants a promotion, but i’m determined to not do any work and get Sally to bang me. Sally hates it when I visit her cubicle, not to mention when Linda visits. Of course Linda would already be there and it’s too late to run away when I see her there. Wait a minute why is too late? I turn and run back to my cubicle but I see the fire in Linda’s eyes before I turn and I know she isn’t going to let me get away that easy. She’s probably got a story about her cat that she needs to share with everybody, maybe Professor Claws knocked over her plants again, or god forbid he scratched her. Linda is fast and is gaining on me. My only hope is to lock my self in Alice’s office. I jump in and try and swing the door closed but there’s an arm in my way.

“Tank what the hell are you doing?” Alice asks. I’m trying with all my strength to hold the door as closed as possible so I just yell “LINDA!” Alice understands and gets up to help me shut her out, but Linda is so determined. It’s like those stories of those kids trapped under cars and the mother being able to lift the vehicle, except it’s just a dumb bitch who wants to talk about her cat or some other such bullshit. “Guys you’ll never guess what happened last night.” Linda starts, but I pull the door back and slam her hard in the arm. That just seems to get her blood flowing and she ends up slamming the door open knocking me and Alice back. “So Professor Claws jumps up on the counter and-” Linda starts but I’m not going to let her, I stand up and sock her in the jaw to shut her up, but Linda already knows this game and gets a good shot in my stomach. Alice jumps in and slaps Linda in the mouth as she’s about to speak again. Then Linda goes into beast mode and the next thing I know I’m waking up as a bucket of water hits my head and I’m tied up with Alice at her office chair. 

“So as I was saying, Professor Claws jumps onto the counter.” No no, this can’t be happening. To come so close just to fail. “Then he starts pawing at the boxes of cereal and I say, that foods not for you.” Linda is getting closer as she tells her story. But I still don’t want to take it laying down so I spit in her face. She gives me a hard slap before she continues. “And you know what Professor Claws doesn’t seem to care and he sticks his little face right in the top of the box.” I ask myself if it’s worth it and look out the window. Maybe we could fit out of it. I look to Alice who’s face is a bloody swollen mess but she doesn’t want to, she whispers, “We can make it, we’ll live to fight another day.” Even though I don’t believe her it’s enough so I sit there and take it hoping that in ten minutes this story will actually be over and I can get back to pissing Sally off. 

See The Avengers

I got to see the Avengers yesterday and it was very very very awesome. If the whole purpose of letting me see it early for free was to advertise the shit out of it then I think I will. And if it wasn’t I’m gonna anyway because it was sweet. Joss Whedon is the man. But seriously folks see it, it’s just a great fun movie with superheroes. Maybe you don’t give a shit about superheroes, but let me remind you that it’s like 6 superheroes teaming up to save the world. And if that doesn’t do anything let me remind you that Robert Downey Jr, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Samuel L Jackson, and Jeremy Renner are in it. And sure you could say Batman Forever should be good too then but trust me this movie is good. 

Anyway you don’t wanna see it, be that jerk who won’t see a movie because it’s got a superhero in it. Escape from the unimaginative reality and explore a world of impossibility. It’s a movie you dick just enjoy it because it’s not real. I don’t know what else to say to people who won’t watch movies because of silly characters or events.

Put It In My Video

The only thing I have to talk about is the future. I’m talking about the for real future that’s gonna be crazy. It’s called Kimbra. Kimbra is a pop star and she is gonna be Lady Gaga big. If Lady Gaga is Madonna then Kimbra is Michael Jackson and shit is about to get crazy. The Adele of last year is gonna be Kimbra this year I’m calling it right now. Anyway she is pretty freakin awesome and her band is sweet too. There is just something a little distinct about her sound that makes it dancable but also just great. Lounge music is what I have had it described to me as and it is totally like a 60’s pop lounge but with this modern twist that is quite wonderful. 

So yes listen to Kimbra, also I need to start watching more music videos because they are really awesome. It’s like yeah this song is great, oh what, you have a visual component that was made for that song, well that sounds like the best thing ever. And it is. I think more people need to make “rock opera’s” But instead of having to make that just make a full album music video. It doesn’t have to be super linear or make sense, but sometimes I just wanna listen to music but it’s a little dull to just sit there without using your eyes for anything, so a movie for an album would just be baller. And if they didn’t want it to be linear whatever, as long as the whole album has a video for every song that’s all I want is music videos for everything. 

I’m thinking why not, you could sell the bonus edition with the videos for like an extra ten dollars and I feel like you would for sure make a lot more money if you put in the effort to make what ten videos that are five minutes long, that’s nothing. Sure some have production quality and crazy things that take time to shoot but even so, one it’s fun I’m sure, two it looks awesome, and three you actually make money off of the music videos. I wonder how many people buy music videos these days? Anyway more people make music movies and the such (and please don’t force dialogue in between songs to make a story just play the album and create visuals for everything. 

This Story Is For You

Wearing a helmet may seem dorky but trust me today I learned the true meaning of friendship, and it was all thanks to my helmet. Now you may be asking what type of helmet this is. It’s a bike helmet. You might also be asking if I mean bicycle or motorcycle. Well fuck you already it’s a bicycle helmet jerk, stop asking dumb questions that are slowing down my wonderful story. No, you were not truly wondering what kind of helmet I meant. A boat helmet really? What kind of loser wears a boat helmet. Oh you do? Yeah I’ll believe that when your boat crashes and the headlines read “nobody was really hurt, but helmet wearer lies and says helmet saved life.” No I don’t, I mean do they even make boat helmets? Fine let’s say this is all true, I sure as hell don’t own a boat, or anything that would require a helmet besides a bicycle. You know. You know me and you’re gonna tell me you don’t know. You’re the worst you know that, I was going to tell you about friendship and you just wanted to play helmet games, and now look, we aren’t even friends anymore. Have a nice life.

Hey…Yeah I’m sorry too. I was only thinking about me, and I got mad. Yeah I’m sorry. Still friends? Ok. Oh sure my helmet story. What? Did you just say my “dorky” helmet story? Oh you didn’t because that’s what I heard! This story was magical, it involved the strongest magic of all, friendship, and now you’ll never know. Oh it’s magical believe me. I think you’re just jealous. You’re a liar, I doubt you were even sorry. What? No I wasn’t really sorry because you’re a jerk and I’ve got other better friends that wear bike helmets and appreciate each other. Yeah well suck on a pile of dirt too!

(What if a kids show did this? You how they have a conversation with the audience. Where they ask like where Blue’s Clues are and the guy waits like he’s listening. But what if they started yelling at the kids and had a sweet argument. Talk about hilarious. “Mommy the sweater guy yelled at me. He said I was mean for laughing at the flour that fell on his head and that I wouldn’t ever be loved because I didn’t have a heart.” That’s GOLD Tumblr. GOLD.

Avatar: The Good One

Oh snap some random post I just saw brought out the Avatar in me. Have I ever blogged about Avatar? I don’t know but I should cuz that show is awesome. And of course I’m not talking about that movie. Sure the special effects were good but w/e it ain’t no last airbender. And I sure as hell ain’t talking about that movie either because M. Night don’t know shit about making movies, especially ones called Avatar. Anyway that show is awesome so let’s explore that universe.

So you’re telling me fire nation just killed all the air benders and somehow that happened. What? I mean there were probably some air benders in Ba Sing Se hanging out. Why were all the benders so isolated, didn’t they hang out with one another? And why didn’t the air benders fly away? I know they wouldn’t have really fought the fire benders so you know get outta there and tell people about it so the earth kingdom can help you out. 

It is weird how fire and earth kinda dominate the world. Hello water you can bend in more places than the poles. Get your shit together and take over the high seas. And I don’t know why air benders weren’t just everywhere doing whatever they wanted because they can totally fly. If I were an air bender I would be all over.

Man just think if benders were real, how cool that would be. Unless you weren’t a bender then shit would be extra lame. I can’t even imagine how lame the world would be if there were some people with magic elemental powers. I wouldn’t live. I’d be like, hey life is alright but some people have fucking awesome magic filled lives and I don’t so what’s the point. I mean that would be a huge drag. HUGE. 

Anyway watch Avatar the animated series, I doubt anyone would not like it honestly it’s just good. Just make sure to watch the full first season and if you wanna stop at that point than be dumb and miss out on a great experience, but if you’re everyone and will want to keep watching you’ll thank me.