Forest Frank 2: Whiskey Blood
Forest Frank says bears always attack from their right so if you look to your right and see a bear you’re in trouble. Also if you look to your left and a bear is facing the other direction you will also be in trouble. In fact more trouble because she’s already got the jump on you and of course you would be standing in between her and her cub. Then what happens? The government gives you a shitty forest ranger job to make up for the bear attack on a forest walk in a national park. Damn government.
Forest Frank says ducks are natures chickens although they don’t taste as good.
Forest Frank says for the last time Walter lemurs don’t live in North America. I know you saw one at the zoo but does this look like a fucking zoo to you? No. No this is a wasteland filled with empty paths, loud birds, and a sea of blissful ignorance in a pool of Irish Whiskey.
Forest Frank says the ruffed grouse makes its call with its wings. Just listen to that beat.
Forest Frank says if Barry Manilow comes to your house go out for lunch instead and make sure he buys.
“Why should I have to buy?”
“Because you’re Barry Manilow.”
“Well maybe if you had a BLT sure but you’ve had three beers and a steak.”
“What you can’t afford this?”
“I mean I can but this is just robbery. You want me to pay full price for your drinks and steak with tax?”
“Yeah. I’m not being unreasonable. I’ve supported you Barry. You owe me.”
“How?”
“I’ve bought like all your stuff and I was in the middle of an era where people didn’t buy music but I liked you so much I had to.”
“What’s your favorite album?”
“What you don’t believe me?”
“Can’t I be skeptical? If you are as big a fan as you say it won’t matter. Plus wouldn’t you want to tell me personally what album you liked best.”
“Well there are just so many.”
“I knew it. You’re a liar and a dick and I’m not paying for this lunch.”
“Barry where are you going?! You can’t just run away! God damn Manilow won’t pay for my steak.”
Forest Frank says it wasn’t my fault I had to run out of the restaurant. I didn’t bring any cash because clearly Barry should have covered it. Oh course I looked like the bad guy but we all know children. Oh we all know.
“What do we know Mr. Frank?”
“God damnit Susan haven’t you been listening?”
“It’s hard with the yelling.”
“Well here’s what you missed. Mr. Manilow left me like a fish right on the edge of the water. He could’ve kicked it in but no he walked on by and spit on the fish because he was a dick.”
“Are you a fish Mr. Frank? You don’t smell like one.”
“Susan you ugghh! just nevermind no more questions.”
Forest Frank says if you get pulled over for drunk driving make sure to tell them your wife is in labor at the hospital and that’s why you were going 25 miles over the speed limit. Most the time they’ll escort you to the hospital and you might be sober when they realize you were lying.
Forest Frank says porcupines do hurt trust me.
Forest Frank says deer don’t often attack people but when they do it feel like crashing your car into a tree.
“How do you know?”
“How do you think I know?!”
