Twilight 5: Tank Blog Mad
Haven’t blogged in forever. Well let us blame it on hibernation. I was asleep for like a month and before that I was on an on and off snooze where I didn’t post anything cool. So in my hibernation haze of Starcraft II, The Old Republic, The Name of the Wind, Bored to Death, Music, Work, and a lot more Batman than I’m used to (That is mostly comics but a little bit of Arkham City)…I dunno where that sentence was going but that does include most of how I spent my time. Anyway it’s over…kinda. But I have started something anew. As a great christmas present my Sis bought me a book called Twilight as a laugh. But we both knew I was gonna read it. And last night I read Chap 1, so here are my thoughts. (Also I watched the Riff tracks so that may after my already mock view of it by making it worse or better). (riff tracks is Mystery Science Theater 3000 today about modern movies if you didn’t know)
So I’m reading and I start commenting in my head so I think may as well take notes I def don’t care about this story and would love someone to enjoy my notes if they ever happen to come upon it later.
First of all she “exiles” herself to this shitty Washington State town called Forks that she hates. Doesn’t say why she exiled herself, unless I just didn’t bother to catch it, but as far as I’m concerned this silly lady is going someplace she hates because she’s a masochist. There is no other reason. Then on page two I happen upon just terrible writing which is what most of this post will be about. I will start a paragraph before the atrocity.
“”Bella,” my mom said to me-the last of a thousand times- before I got on the plane. “You don’t have to do this.”
My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines. I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes.”
…Do you see this? Did you read this. This is a book people like. May I also mentioned she has not described herself to us yet… UGH. I should really make a youtube reaction video of this to express the awfulness I feel and the sheer distaste for the throw away description.
I mean come on bitch one sentence that is out of place and makes no sense. Most people get a little paragraph of description in their novels. You just threw out a side note that doesn’t fit with the paragraph and doesn’t tell us anything. I mean is her hair really short?! Is her mom bald? She might as well be in my head. I wouldn’t find out until like the end of the chapter that her hair is at least enough to cover her eyes. Holy shit.
(I am screaming in my head right now FYI so please put some emotion into my words to jazz it up a bit.)
I mean describe her then say she looks so much like me except I have longer hair and less laugh lines. Yeah that’s bad but it’s not garbage stuffed in garbage that was found in a garbage pile. It’s just plain garbage and I wouldn’t be opposed to picking it up to stop a kid from eating it. No, you had to feed the dirty garbage children. And on the second fucking page. Page number TWO!!! Who read past this point and was like I’m going to recommend this?! If I didn’t know it was a pile of shit waiting for me to tear it apart I wouldn’t read it. I would’ve read this sentence and been like really? REALLY!?!?!?!?
“My mom looks like me, except with shorter hair and less laugh lines.”
Is her face a fucking wrinkle heaven. Do you have a ton of laugh lines. Is your face a catchers mitt, and hers an old catchers mitt? What the fuck are you writing?! And the sad thing is I could not write anything as popular as her. FUCK!
Doesn’t she know the first sentence in a paragraph is called the topic sentence not some throw away half description of a character you didn’t take the time to imagine. You are a fucking novelist, create a world, not two characters around a bunch of shadows. This isn’t a play! anyway enough of this. But seriously page two or maybe even one depending on the size of the print of the copy you own and such, but man I hope somebody else noticed this one.
Next: poor adverb choice. “The air filtered down greenly through the leaves.”
…What?! What does greenly mean. A color can’t be a fucking adverb just cuz you put ly on the end. The whole paragraph is just shitty description. Throw a fucking metaphor or simile in there to describe the scene not a stupid color adverb of the air that doesn’t make fucking sense. I mean what the fuck am I supposed to picture. Green air moving down to earth? Is it smoky? Is there a fire. Should you have notified the forest ranger? Green fumes are often toxic, perhaps you should notify pollution control or whoever is in charge of that!
(Still screaming, don’t forget)
Like isn’t “the forest was so full of green it was though the air was green itself” better? I know that isn’t great but at least it makes fucking sense and uses actual words. You know what I better look up greenly on the internet to make sure I know what I’m talking about. hmm well it acknowledges it as a word although I’m not seeing a way to use it. Regardless don’t use greenly, I don’t like it and I think it doesn’t make sense.
Next: She gets uncomfortable that her dad never got over her mom
What divorced child is uncomforted by the fact their dad still loves their mom? Isn’t that the opposite how you should feel. I wouldn’t know but it just seems odd. Needless to say I won’t be identifying with this girl anytime soon.
Next: She notices the cars are old in thise town but her old town they were nice.
So “Bella” mentions how most of the cars in forks are old. But at her old home she lived in one of the lower-income neighborhoods. Apparently it was common to see a NEW Mercedes or Porsche. What do you define as lower-income Ms. Meyer? WHAT?! Is city life so full of ferrari’s and untouchable other cars that the poor people only have new Porsches? This makes no sense!
Next: labels
“He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.”
Clearly she is uninterested in interacting with this human being at all. Fuck nerds right? No. Fuck you Bella. Fuck you.
(I whispered that one, hope you’re following my tone. Now it’s a calm hate that has settled to burning coals. Oh it’s much hotter than before but you wouldn’t know it by the sight of it.)
Next: The rest
The rest of the chapter was a blur because I wanted to just go to sleep so read extra fast. Plus I remembered the scene from the movie and didn’t feel like writing a lot more notes. All I can remember is Edward staring angrily at her in biology, and in the movie it’s quite funny how outrageous he looks. Anyway this has gone on long enough, hope you share my pain.
